Who would win a fight between a suitcase and a macaroon?

The spat happened like this.  I was about to board the train at Gare du Nord.  As my luggage emerged from the scanner, I nudged a brown suitcase out the way because it was squashing my much flimsier bag.  The owner of the suitcase shouted at me: “Madam, wait your turn!”  

I returned, equally sharply: “Your bag was squashing mine!”

“You should  be patient!” she snapped back.

"My bag was getting squashed under yours - what was I supposed to do?" I said, and both of us separated, justifying our indignation to ourselves and our travelling companions.   Adrenalin was high; it was an emotional exchange, upsetting as these unexpected rows  are.

So why did it happen like that, this angry response springing apparently from nowhere?

Well, firstly, it didn’t come from nowhere - not at all.  Working backwards, from my point of view, several things had contributed. 

First, the bag that was getting caught under the suitcase contained a box of macaroons.  A controversial box.  Over priced, and from a shop we'd walked too far to find.   

Second, the woman under whose suitcase they were getting caught had annoyed me already by pushing in to the queue for the scanner.  She hadn’t acknowledged the push-in, as pusher-inners tend not to do.  

Third, when I say nudged what I actually did was give her suitcase a fairly strenuous push.  It didn’t do it harm, it was a hard cased thing, securely fastened, but my act might have seemed aggressive.   

These were my reflections; there were, no doubt, reasons behind the sharpness of her response; things I can only guess at.  

The point for me, as a conflict resolver and mediator, is that these scraps, uncomfortable and embarrassing, don’t spring from thin air, but are built on a whole series of influences and events, perceptions and chance happenings, much of which may even be unconscious in the mind of the disputant him or herself, and is almost certainly invisible to the other party. 

It’s okay that this happens.  It’s how we are, as human beings, as members of society, as animals.  But it’s a good idea to identify these influences, be aware of them and use them to explain your behaviour to yourself, and at the same time justify or at least rationalise the behaviour of the other.

This little spat didn’t matter.  It was over and forgotten by the time we’d boarded the train and I’ll never see the woman again.  But sometimes these flashpoints happen not with strangers, but with friends, colleagues, family members, where looking underneath the frothy top of the argument in a non judgemental, unprejudiced way, is critical to the future of the relationship.  An analysis of this sort can often have the added advantage of transforming something that’s uncomfortable and negative into a vehicle for greater understanding both of yourself and the other person. 

Next time you find yourself rising to the quarrel, have a think about what’s gone on before it, for you, for them.  Then see if you feel as cross.